Fear and Bullies

One of the things I like about the Halloween season is that it can be a time to safely embrace our fears a little bit and have the cathartic experience of surviving them, through movies, haunts, ghost stories, etc. Of course facing a real, true threat to your life can be a very different thing. But if not for that fear, none of us would be sitting here today. It is the driving emotion behind our survival as a species. So fear...- to misquote Gordon Gecko in the movie, "Wall Street" - is good! Rational fear, that is. It may not feel good, that's for sure, but we'd all be dead without it.

How we deal with our fears is a big part of what makes us who we are. Some people are paralyzed by them, others are motivated to conquer them, others try to distract or ignore, and of course there is everything in between. Like a lot of kids, unfortunately, I was bullied a lot from about the ages of 12 on through high school. Some people told me that all bullies were cowards and only doing this because they were scared. If I just stood up to them, I would see how cowardly they were. I always thought that was ridiculous at best and even a little bit trite. Most of the kids who bullied me seemed pretty tough. And they vastly outnumbered me. I went to school in some bad parts of Los Angeles and many of my tormenters were already in gangs by 6th grade. What could they possibly be afraid of? From me?? I was certainly no threat, that's for sure.

Later I realized that there are different kinds of fears and different ways we handle them. The kids who bullied me weren't afraid of me, personally. But they were afraid of something else. Maybe it was not fitting in with the other seemingly tough kids, maybe they were afraid of their dads, maybe they were just phonies and afraid people would find out. The way they dealt with these fears was to take it out on someone else and/or distract from their own problems. As long as they singled me out as the weirdo kid that everybody hated, no one will notice that they too might have some issues. I did stand up to some bullies, but it didn't necessarily help or win anybody's respect like it does in the movies.

Luckily, I eventually grew up. Hopefully some of my bullies did too, but I have certainly encountered adult versions of them throughout my life. Some of them who try to seem physically tough, in the schoolyard way, others who are just aggressive in their demeaner in an attempt to intimidate people into getting what they want.

No matter what the bully, the key is confidence. Sounds easy enough, right? But here's the catch. It has to be real. 100% real. If it isn't, or it’s manufactured in any way, they will know. They may not be consciously aware of it but they will know. You would be amazed how many professional fighters got into boxing or martial arts because they, too, were bullied. Even some of the toughest-seeming people, like Mike Tyson and Bas Rutten, went through it as a kid. The bullying didn't necessarily stop because they got trained and beat up all of their bullies. It stopped because they developed real self-confidence through their training. Furthermore, of all of the fighters I have met, almost every single one was a sweetheart. Nothing intimidating or scary about them. Nothing to appear tough. Why? Because they actually are pretty tough, they know it, and they don't have those same fears that bullies have. There is no need to front.

Finding that confidence is the tough part. There are a million self-help books out there, but I would say that a big, big thing is being good at something. Something that you enjoy and hopefully something that just seems like a cool thing to be good at. 

Being good at something is not easy. Continuing to get better, become more knowledgeable, and more adept is even harder. It is a challenge. But that is part of it. Overcoming the obstacle of that challenge is part of what makes this build your confidence. You worked hard and you accomplished something.

That being said, there may be some things you are not good at. Doesn't mean you can't be good at them, doesn't mean you can or should quit trying, I just think it's important to be honest with yourself about things you may not be good at or understand well. Definitely don't pretend to be good or knowledgeable about those things. Sure, there is the whole "fake it until you make it" mentality which can work but you won't build confidence until you actually do make it.

Regular exercise is definitely a good way to build confidence too. That can even be the thing you are really good at, or it can be just another ancillary piece. Besides the fact that you will be healthier, look better and feel better, regular exercise becomes something you are dedicated to. You have to stick to a schedule and get things done. It's challenging but you do it anyway. Not because you have to, or you do it for someone else, but for yourself.

Which brings me to the next point, which is you've gotta treat yo'self! Spend time and/or money doing nice things for You. Just you and no one else. I have seen many people actually box better after getting brand new gloves, boxing shoes, or just fancy new exercise attire. If you feel like you look good or cool, you're going to perform better at just about anything in life so find a way to make it happen. You'd be amazed what a makeover can do!

Again, there are many different ways to build our confidence and there are many reasons we may or may not already have this self-confidence but the big takeaway is that it is the antidote to bullies and other fears. People told me to stand up to bullies but it didn't work because I was not confident. People told me not to care what others think about me, but that was impossible until I got more and more confident. I've spent a lot of time in boxing and martial arts and that is the thing I keep hearing over and over from people who train - confidence. We all have fears and always will, but if we believe in ourselves, we will believe we can handle those fears and not become consumed by them, finding ways to distract from our fears. That is what bullies do. Some bullies may be strong but they are phony. You,on the other hand, are real. And real is steel!